I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Your penis caused this!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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