I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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