I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
