Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
