I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
