I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
