i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
