Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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