Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
