You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
