I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
