I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
