I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I will be naked everywhere
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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