Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
