mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
