i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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