what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
