everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
