I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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