matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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