i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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