3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
