dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
