I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
