hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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