sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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