I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
