I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
