I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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