I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
