So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
