I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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