I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
