You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This toilet bowl is my home.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
