this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Crop dusting thru forever 21
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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