I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
