last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
