i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
