Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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