I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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