this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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