i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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