I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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