My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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