If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
this hospital has no fireball
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
