i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
