And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
