Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
