i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
