Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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