I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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