marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
